Plans

Jeremiah 29:!1 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans not to harm you, but plans for a hope and a future!”

Maddox was born on July 11, 2014.  A pre-natal ultrasound showed us that Maddox had 2 potential issues with her heart.  After many doctor’s visits, we learned that she would have complete AVSD, Atrial Ventricular Septal Defect.  Complete AVSD is also called a “Cushion Defect,” because there are no separated chambers of the heart.  There is an indention in the middle which looks like a cushion.  We were asked time and time again by medical professionals if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy, and we answered with a resounding, “No” each time.

Maddox was whisked away from the delivery room to the NICU after I held her and kissed her sweet, little face.  We met with cardiologists the following day.  The doctor walked in and said, “Well, Maddox does have AVSD, but it’s an unusual kind, and not as bad as we thought.  I told him I wasn’t surprised.  When I found out I was pregnant and our baby would face different challenges, I told God I knew she was His and I gave her to Him.

We visited with a cardiologist every month for Maddox to be examined.  Maddox did have a partial AVSD.  She had a hole between the 2 lower chambers of her heart, the ventricles, and a cleft mitral valve, BUT she DID have 4 chambers!  We knew she would need open heart surgery, and thought it could be as early as when she was 3 months old.  However, her heart functioned in its own way, and she didn’t require surgery until she was around a year old.  Until a year, a baby’s tissue is so thin we were told stitching anything would be like trying to sew through a kleenex.  On May 26, 2015, just weeks before her first birthday, we arrived at the hospital very early for Maddox’s first open heart surgery.  The surgery lasted approximately 6 hours and successfully repaired the hole in her heart, but the mitral valve appeared to still have leakage.  Initially, post-op echocardiograms showed Maddox to have “Mild” leakage from the mitral valve.  After a LONG 6 weeks, her leakage had been determined to be moderate.  Leakage is classified in this order, Trivial, Mild, Moderate, Severe. 

Maddox was discharged on my birthday, July 3, just 8 days before she would turn one.  We were so thankful to be at home, and were able to celebrate her 1^st birthday with family and friends.  She had been practicing holding up 1 finger for weeks in the hospital, and she really enjoyed every bit of her celebration! 

As time passed, I became so worried about Maddox. She would play, smile, eat (cake and spaghetti with meat sauce, especially), but soon Maddox began to grow tired when she play and just wasn't the energetic baby she had been. Even after the repair of the hole between her ventricles, she wasn’t the baby she had been prior to surgery.  Every night, I whispered a prayer in Maddox’s ear and ended with, “Father, please heal her heart.”

After a Summer of heart caths and echocardiograms, Maddox’s cardiologist told us it was imperative to go back in and repair the mitral valve.  Maddox would not survive without intervention, and could possibly have to be placed on the heart transplant list if her valve couldn’t be repaired.  Our surgeon told us that the only 2 options she had would be to insert an artificial valve or to repair Maddox’s own.  As time grew close, the surgeon told us Maddox couldn’t have an artificial valve, because hers was not big enough.  Maddox’s own valve would need to be able to be repaired.

On October 29,2015, Maddox had her second open heart surgery. Dr. Karla Christian, the surgeon, had her nurse call us every hour with an update.  We knew every step that was taken.  The call that we cherish the most was that YES, MADDOX’S VALVE COULD, INDEED, BE REPAIRED!!!  Dr. Christian walked out and said had she not been the one to perform surgery the first time, she wouldn't have known that an attempt had been made to repair Maddox's mitral valve, as there was NO scar tissue. She told us that while the absence of scar tissue made her job so easy to repair it this time, she was concerned that maybe Maddox's tissue wasn't healing properly or something that wasn't right (although, the patch between the ventricles had healed beautifully). The attempt to repair the valve in May was reported as leaking "mildly" at first but over the course of time got worse. Maddox was said to have severe leakage from a cleft mitral valve prior to surgery. Remember, leakage can be classified as trivial, mild, moderate and severe. The post-surgery echo showed Maddox's new repair to make her leakage TRIVIAL this time.

Dr. Christian stopped by several times post-op to say how wonderful the repair was doing, and her words were, "Trivial is the closest a human repair can be to the work of God." "The echo shows there is NO leakage, but we call it trivial, because I know there has to be leakage SOMEWHERE."  However, don’t let me lead you to believe that Dr. Christian didn’t live up to her last name.  She talked to me about praying.  She rounded on Sunday mornings while we were inpatient at Children’s Hospital, EN ROUTE to church services.  She gave me her personal cell number to contact via text or call at ANY time.   She loves Maddox, and calls her a Wonder Baby. 

I spent many days and nights crying out to God, asking Him why it was all happening, why Maddox felt so badly, why her heart couldn’t have been fixed during the first surgery, and a thousand other whys. Sitting in PCICU for many days while Maddox was heavily sedated and healing, I had time to process things that we had been told. "There is no scar tissue from the attempt to repair in May." "The absence of scar tissue made my (Dr. Christian) job much easier. "Trivial is the closest a human repair can be to the work of God." “We say trivial even though we don’t see any leakage, but I know there has to be leakage SOMEWHERE.”

We spent another 6 weeks in the hospital.  We had ups and downs, but FINALLY got to go home 2 weeks before Christmas.  Maddox visited the cardiologist in January and the echo still showed the leakage to be trivial.  We were told we didn’t have to come back for 3 months!  Maddox has felt better and better as time passed.  Dr. Thomas is Maddox’s cardiologist.  We didn’t really know anything about any of the cardiologists when we began this journey.  We honestly just chose one based on the fact that we could have appointments at a local office instead of going downtown.  As we got to know Dr. Thomas, his stories of church homecomings with his mom, his spoken belief in Divine healing and his transparency with us regarding his relationship with the Lord were all I needed to figure out that WE had not just “chosen a cardiologist.”  GOD chose HIM for Maddox! 

Our most recent appointment with Dr. Thomas was on Monday, April 11.  Appointments begin with an echo. The guy who performed the echo told us that he really wasn’t the “official” person to read the echo, but he said, "While they have classified the mitral valve leakage as 'trivial,' I can't find any...but that may just be my machine." (Hmmm. 😊)   Next, we move to an exam room where a nurse asks us the same questions we’ve answered a thousand times before, lol, Maddox is weighed, her height is measured.  Maddox has gained over 5 lbs since surgery and has grown over 2 inches! Then, we wait patiently for Dr.Thomas to come in and tell us what he sees on the echo, talk about how Maddox has been doing and talk about what the next step will be.

This time, in passing as Dr. Thomas was going to see another patient before us, he stuck his head in the door and said, "She's healed. Go home."  We waited our turn to hear more, but he meant what he said.  Maddox’s echo is still showing the mitral valve to have “TRIVIAL” leakage.  Other parts of her heart that had been affected by the poor heart function prior to the repair are improving.  He has begun to take away medications that she doesn’t need anymore.  We will go back in another 3 months and begin weaning more medications.  The truth is, GOD has healed her heart!

God's timing is ALWAYS perfect. His plan is ALWAYS perfect. He is ALWAYS faithful.  I firmly believe God didn't want Maddox's mitral valve to leak mildly or moderately as it was said to do following the first surgery. I believe God’s plan was for Maddox to have a mitral valve that functioned with "Trivial" leakage....the least amount repaired by human hands...the closest human work can get to God's work. AND while Dr. Christian thought it was odd that there was NO scar tissue, I believe God intended it that way to make her work easy. AND while Dr. Christian says there has to be some leakage SOMEWHERE, I'm not so sure.

I cannot tell you how humbling it is to have people praying for you all over the world.  There is more to Maddox’s life story that I don’t have time to share this morning and she is only 21 months old!  In this short time, I have seen families come together because her story has touched them.  Maddox can make my 15 year old smile and do things a mom has a tough time getting a teenager to do.  My middle child is 12 and loves children, but I have seen qualities developed in her in these last 21 months that I believe are showing her a road she would like to travel for her future.  I could go on and on. 

In the last year I have learned so much about patience, mercy, prayer, love and faithfulness.  Maddox’s story is an amazing testimony of God's loving kindness that I will shout from the rooftops, writing down and sharing it in every way in hopes that His message, the message of Jehovah Raphe, our Healer, will be shared with many.  I'm taken back to a song that I would sing with my cousin, Esther, as a child...He's still working on me...and thank goodness, He NEVER stops! ❤

Default in My Charts

As a young athlete who had to have yearly sports physicals, my parents took advantage of the free physicals and examinations that were offered through the school system.  Students from all across the county would line up at a selected school on a Saturday, and wait expecting that everything would be fine leaving with the official "ok" to play sports in the year ahead.  Well, most people walked out with the "ok," but not this girl. 




In 6th grade, the teachers lined all of us up, and we went in the room one by one.  I walked out with a failed physical, because one of my hips was higher than the other, and they thought I had scoliosis.  After several specialist follow-up appointments, it was determined that I did not have anything.  In the Summer before my 8th Grade year, we lined up at Brentwood High School.  I was so excited, because I had made the Freshman Basketball Team, and couldn't wait to go to camp that Summer.  I left with a failed physical due to what they thought to be a heart murmur.  After several specialist appointments, it was determined that my heart was fine, only that when it beats, it sounds like lub-sha-dub, rather than lub-dub.  The doctor said I was fine, and released me to play sports. 


I'm not sure why my mom insisted that I go to any other "free" physicals, because she paid more for specialists than 1 office visit, but she took me one more time.  Only this time, I ended up visiting several doctors for what seemed to be signs of diabetes.  All visits turned out to be fine, and again, I got to play another year. 




Finally, my mother decided that we would not worry about "free" physicals anymore.  That was a time of an underlying tone of a lesson I should have learned then as a young person...nothing in life is easy, free or convenient...OR cheaper doesn't always mean the best.






Now, I'm a mom of two.  We avoid "free" exams like the plague...well, except that one time.  Two years ago, a group came to school to test hearing for free.  My youngest didn't want to be left out, so she failed to bring the form home for me to sign opting out of the "free" exam.  So, she goes, they test, and voila...you guessed it...I had to take her to the pediatrician for a follow-up appointment, which led to yes, you guessed it...an appointment with a specialist.  Again, the same lesson...NOTHING in life is free nor is it EASY! 






I got married in September 2013.  In November, we found out we would be expecting a baby in August.  I am employed by a hospital, and there just happens to be an OB practice next door.  I chose them, not only for the convenience, but also, they are in my insurance network.  All charges will be less, because they are in my network.  At 10 weeks, I was strongly encouraged, because of my age, to have a Non-Invasive Prenatal Test performed that would give us the risk for the pregnancy.  Results returned with a 99% chance our baby would have Down Syndrome.  Why wasn't I surprised?  Let me see, the doctor's office was convenient and it was more economical.  I was overwhelmed with grief.  Day after day, I walked past the door where the boxes sat for the courier with the name of the company who read the results. 




In the back of my mind, I thought I would go to a specialist, as they did send me, and the specialist would look and say, "The test was wrong.  There are no risks in this pregnancy."  Instead, I heard the opposite, which would lead to months that seemed like years.


There appears to be a default in my charts.  A preselected medical option that for me ensures great mental anguish.  Most of the time the anguish is unnecessary, but as of late, it's a deep-rooted, heart-wrenching, overwhelming feeling that makes pain water stream from my eyes. 

I Want to Be Just Like You

Finding time to write has been a difficult task since I began my new job.  Things happen daily that I think about including, but at the end of the day, I'm so tired, I barely make it to my bed.  Tonight, my girls are gone for half of their summer visitation time with their dad, and I have a moment to sit down and think through some of the things I have experienced since April. 

Almost three years ago, I made a decision to get out my pencils and my books, and head back to school for those teachers' dirty looks.  I hadn't thought about studying or taking a test in many, many years - not since the day I received my diploma at Lipscomb University.  However, I had begun to feel like it was time to take a different direction in my career.  So, I enrolled in a bunch of science classes, completed all of the pre-requisites, and was accepted to Nursing School.  However, unforeseen circumstances kept me from pursuing a future as an RN.  I really couldn't understand it, but I had to trust that there is a reason for everything.

During the 2011-12 school year, my girls had a "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up" day.  My girls wanted to be everything from a zookeeper to a rock star, and of course, having a dad for an attorney, they considered that.  As ridiculous as it may sound to anyone who reads this, I got my feelings hurt when they, not even once, wanted to be like me.  I wore so many hats, it was difficult to describe in one word what I did for a living, much less figure out how to dress for it.  Maybe that's petty, I don't know, but for the sake of being transparent, I was genuinely sad.  I knew that if I had gone to Nursing School, my girls would have considered the option of wearing scrubs to school that day with a stethoscope around their necks.  I guess in all, I was having a pity party.

In June, I had the opportunity to take my girls to the beach while I went to work each day.  That is an advantage of having a job whose headquarters is in Florida. :)  They had been out of school for a couple of weeks and they had been listening to me make phone calls to churches all day long.  So, it was a good change to hop in the car and drive South for a few days.  On the way home, my girls were playing games on my phone, singing loudly, talking and giggling.  At one point, I looked up and saw them each with a straw placed as if it were a phone headset and they began making videos pretending they were calling churches...like their mom.  Then, I heard one of them say, "I want to do what you do when I grow up."  Yes, I cried like a baby, and still am as I type this.

There have been countless moments since I accepted this job with COSCO & Associates that I have realized, without a doubt, that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do,  and there will be more to come, I'm sure, because God is just like that.  Of course, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what I do for a living, and whether I'm an RN or a JD, as long as I'm serving my Savior...working to become more like Him, so that when my girls say, "I want to be just like you," what they really mean is they want to be more like Jesus.

Ordinarily Extraordinary

Last Summer, God allowed me to cross paths with an amazing man (I will call John).  We spent hours upon hours laughing and loving life.  We spent a memorable Thanksgiving together with his family and then, December came, along with some really dark days.  I don't know exactly what the purpose of our time together might have been, or why our paths ever crossed.  However, I am thankful that he was sensitive to the Word and never hesitated to share it with me. 

Tonight, I came across an e-mail he sent me on October 19.  The night before I had shared with him how I felt like I was an outsider looking in on my life...how I didn't know where God wanted me, but I so wanted to know.  The next morning, he shared his daily devotion with me...Elijah and the widow...

"A famine was ravaging the land, and it was severely affecting the life of that young widow. With no husband, no food, and a hungry child, it looked like she and her son would die soon.

She was planning their final meal when Elijah arrived. Tired from his journey, he asked her for water and food.

She explained that she was preparing a last meal for her son and herself. But Elijah asked if she could first make him a small loaf of bread, and he shared with her a promise from the Lord: “The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.

She did as Elijah asked, honoring the Lord with her act of hospitality. And God miraculously provided her with flour and oil that never ran out until the end of the famine. She gave—and God gave even more.

This “ordinary” person was someone whom God would use for his extraordinary purposes."

John commented on the devotion and encouraged me with these words:  "I know that we are always striving to make our lives and the lives of our families better, wishing and hoping that we'll get a break.  We just don't know when to expect it. All we can really do is live each day and make the best of it being thankful for what we have been given. I guess I was relating the stories together because the widow was on the down and out thinking that she was at the end of her rope when her break happened and they were given their hope back."

How true his words were...and are.  About a month after I got this message, God began to reveal to me in a big way His plan for the next chapter of my life with my new job.  While I lost John along the way, his words of encouragement will resonate in my mind and in my heart. 

Just as recently as this afternoon, I was reminded of God's provision.  He has confirmed my decision to change jobs over and over again, and I am completely humbled by His love for me.  His faithfulness is overwhelming.  God STILL uses ordinary people for HIS extraordinary purposes.

While my heart is saddened that John is no longer in my life, I am thankful that he allowed God to speak to me through him. 

Letting Go

My dad sometimes went to the “shop” at the barn to work on various contraptions and sometimes I was lucky enough to be able to go with him! I LOVED to go to the barn, dig in the dirt, play in mud puddles, watch the baby calves, talk to my poppa and climb on the tractors. I was well aware of the bull pen and the fact that it was enclosed by an electric fence. As a little girl, I didn’t know what “electrical shock” was, but it sounded really scary to me…not to mention the fact that my mother had told me a thousand times to “stay away from the bull pen, because the electric fence might shock you and you might die.” (Side note: She also told me that if I touched a cat I would get cat scratch fever and die.) Needless to say, I kept my distance…well, all except one day.

For some reason on this particular Fall day, my dad had to go into the bull pen to do something for my poppa. Because I was afraid of the bull myself and had been told he was so mean, I was concerned about my dad being inside the pen. I watched the bull intently, as if I were going to step in the pen and fight him if he made a move even remotely in my dad’s direction (I don’t know where I was going to find a cape). I’m not sure what the bull did, and he may have even twitched because a fly had landed on him, but out of fear for my dad, I reached out to the fence to hold on and yell at my dad to “watch out!” In my moment of concern and without thinking about my mother’s words of warning about “electrical shock”, I learned what it meant. I didn’t only grab the fence, but the fence grabbed me. I cried, screamed and pulled and pulled, but the fence would NOT let go! My dad, being the hero that he is, ran to my rescue and after a few seconds, or what seemed minutes, he was able to pull me away from the clutches of the fence. I was crying hysterically (and shocked at the same time that I didn’t die) and hugged my dad so tightly because I was so afraid and in a lot of pain. All 10 of my fingers were blistered and hurt so badly it hurt to touch anything. The blisters remained for a couple of weeks and were a constant reminder of the pain and fear I had experienced in the blink of an eye.

How similar life experiences have been since then when “letting go” has been so difficult in so many situations. Whether it be letting go of a loved one who has left this world or just stepped out of my life, someone who has hurt me with words said or actions made, maybe I’ve been in a situation where I have become complacent, etc., etc…I can cry, scream, pull and pull, but it’s impossible for me to let go alone. Many times, the pain seems to linger. My Heavenly Father, being the hero that He is, runs to my rescue and pulls me from the clutches of the struggle. While my “blisters” are only temporary, the permanent scars in His hands are the only reminder I need that He is the only One who can pull me away from the clutches of bondage and pain and allow me to “let go”. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Butterflies, Holy Macaroni and CHIPS

Many people will cross our paths during our lifetimes, but Esther Perry has been one of the most prominent characters in mine. Every summer day she would put on her halter top and shorts, I would put on my t-shirt and shorts, and we would head out to save the world, solve a crime, teach a class or be heroes…we never knew what our day might bring.

Some days we would ride our bikes until our legs felt like jello, pretending to be Ponch and John from CHIPS. Some days we would pretend to get married to our latest crush…”Today, we are here to join this man and this woman in Holy Macaroni.”

I can remember walking barefoot through rocks and making mud pies with her. I remember singing songs with her, and I remember when she hit me with the stick from our stick ball game. However painful or happy any of those memories are, I wouldn’t trade a single one…they contributed in making me who and what I am today.

When I was a little girl, I was more afraid of butterflies than the thought of a monster in the dark. Oh, how my neighbors would torture me with butterflies. I was a short, little, chubby girl who loved to play outside, drink kool-aid and draw in the dirt. Esther, my neighbor, cousin and closest friend, would catch a butterfly by the wings, chase me with it and tease me until I cried.

As I have grown, I have realized the great bond Esther and I have shared through the years. She is someone who is real…no judgments, no assumptions. When I got married, she was in my wedding. She wrote and recited this poem as we were getting ready:

I remember skating on the porch,
And playing football in the yard.
I remember that you would run home crying
Because Neal threw the ball too hard.

I remember that big ‘ole rock
Where we piled the leaves so high.
We would run and take a flying leap
As if we could touch the sky.

I remember riding bikes and playing CHIPS
All day long.
We’d always fight over who was Ponch
And who got to sing the song.

I remember we had a dirt track
For our Hot Wheels on the hill
And I was wondering…
Do you run away from butterflies still?

I remember playing “Holy Macaroni,”
And singing “I’ve Been Redeemed.”
This day didn’t take as long to get here
As it so long ago seemed.

We then grew to be teenagers,
And we went our separate ways,
But it’s the bond we made as children
That brings us together again today.

When I gave birth to my sweet, little girls, she always came to visit. When I got divorced, she encouraged me. Every year on her birthday, March 29, I reflect on the many wonderful memories of our childhood together. I’m not afraid of butterflies anymore. The memories of her chasing me with one make me giggle and make for great stories to share with my girls.

Happy birthday, Esther! We've come a long way!

Transition and Provision

A little more than 11 years ago I was sitting in this same place attempting to put on paper what thoughts were running through my mind.  At the time, I was a new mother with a precious baby at home to whom I wanted to devote EVERY moment loving, nurturing and teaching her all that I could possible squeeze into each day.  I had been employed by the Executive Board of the Tennessee Baptist Convention (TBC) since 1996, and they allowed me to slowly transition back into my full-time position.  While I was so very grateful, my heart and mind were at home with my new gift.  God answered my prayer in a very definitive way making it possible for me to resign my position at the TBC and assume my new role as a stay-at-home mom.

A little more than 7 years ago, life's challenges led me to a point where I would need to find employment outside my home, once again.  God had already been at work, just as He always is, and there was a position at TBC that I would eventually fill.  That part-time position would prove to be an eye-opening, God-sized reminder that He certainly wasn't through with me yet. 

Since that time, I have been allowed to experience so many different character-building moments among Christian brothers and sisters who have taken me under their wings.

Here I am again with a God-given opportunity to invest more of my time at home with both of my sweet girls.  In November, the TBC entrusted me to coordinate the first-ever Vendor Exhibit Hall.  Little did I know that God's plan would include more than just communicating with vendors and acting as their liaison.  COSCO & Associates, Inc., was one of those vendors and they began communicating with me regarding the possibility of joining their team.

In January, I was offered a position with them to work out of my home full-time...another reminder that God still isn't finished with me!  :)  After MUCH prayer, consideration, and counsel from friends and family, I decided to resign my position at the TBC, effective March 29, 2012, and will be joining the sales team of COSCO & Associates, Inc. April 1. 

COSCO & Associates, Inc. is a company which has specialized exclusively in the design and build of churches and church-related facilities across the country for over 43 years.  Their passion and calling is to assist churches in building church structures that will facilitate worship and make visions realities as well as sharing a common goal with the local church in the desire to build God’s Kingdom.  COSCO provides numerous, unique services to churches including no “up-front” money from the church and providing a GUARANTEED MAXIMUM PRICE CONTRACT once the design is completed. 

While I am excited to begin a new phase in my life, at the same time I will always be grateful and mindful of the TBC and all the ways my heart has been blessed...and the ways I have grown.  I am thankful a thousand times over for the opportunities I have had in serving the Lord alongside so many faithful servants.  The relationships I have built with church leaders across this state are invaluable to me.  I look forward to continuing those relationships, as well as buildnig new relationships and partnering with church leaders of all denominations across the country in building God's Kingdom.  Visit our website http://www.churchdesign.com/!